The Great Man Breakdown part 1

Men are mysterious things, in fact I am one and I don't even know what the hell is going on half the time.  For us to truly understand what a man really is we will have to delve deep into our minds and our friends (not literally, I am not asking you to enter your man friend in any way at all.  Its just sort of a figure of speech even though it isn't, note to self, these parenthesis are going on for too long.  Maybe if I just never close them people won't notice anything.  I don't feel like this is working, I'm going to close them).  Now that that cheesy joke is out of the way we can get back to business, dudes.  The first type of male "friend" that I have decided to write about is promising young mentee who actually ends up sucking. One can realize by now that not everything that I have written on my blog is true.  I do not actually wear a banana hammock to school (shocker I know), but this story is completely true.  A few years ago at my middle school we were assigned a project where we go to lower grades and read stories to one kid every week.  Now I totally forget the name of the kid who I was assigned but for arguments sake we'll just call him Jizznibblets.  So Jizznibblets and I sat down and I started to read a book.  The book was called "That's Not my Plane" and it was of course about airplanes.  After page one Jizznibblets flips a shit and starts running around the room with his arms out pretending to be an airplane.  To this point in our relationship Jizznibblets and I were starting to like each other, so I let him have his fun.  After a while he climbed onto this table in the room we were in and shouted out "I CAN FLY" since I was so educated I knew something he didn't...he can't fly.  I started to freak out because I figured that he was going to jump off the table and hurt himself.  So I jumped into action. I ran to where he was going to jump so that I could catch when he jumps.  What I didn't realize was that he was midair when I got there.  You must be thinking that I'm going to get hurt in this story aren't you?  Well you're damn wrong.  I also didn't realize that I was still holding this hard cover children's book in my left hand.  He jumps face first and the book socks him in the eye.  When it was time for Jizznibblets and I to go back to the teacher and talk about what we read.  All that poor little Jizzy could say was "I'll never fly again" Stay tuned for the brilliant saga of "The Great Man Breakdown"  if you want to learn about some sweet babes, check out http://bittershit.blogspot.com/.

Salute to the Banana Hammock

Have you ever wanted to show a family member, co worker, friend or stranger your penis without actually showing your penis?  Lord knows that I have, so I am the proud owner of a Banana Hammock.  Ever since 1982 when Percival (the Perv) McGee invented the iconic dick sling men have had no way to show their penis off in public with out getting arrested.  But now you can show every unsuspecting man, woman, or child who happens to end up at the beach that day your dingaling. Have an uncomfortable relationship with a female co worker? BANANA HAMMOCK! Need to seal the deal with your girlfriend? BANANA HAMMOCK!  Have weird feelings for your cousin? BANANA HAMMOCK! Hell, you don't even need to be at the beach, I've been wearing my banana Hammock to school for the past week and a half. Sure no one talks to me anymore, but I am more than willing to pay that price to show of my family jewels to everyone who is willing or unwilling to look.  My teacher says that every time she blinks all she can see is the bedazzled glory that is my signature golden glory banana hammock.  The banana hammock runs on a risk reward system, you are risking nothing and the reward is showing off your penis.  All of this being said, I am appalled with the amount of sock stuffing going on in the world today.  A player in major league baseball takes one teeny weeny ounce of steroids and everyone flips a shit, but that same baseball player stuffs his banana hammock and nobody cares, well I've got some news for you Barry Bonds, I care.  I care.  Because I know the work ethic that it takes to keep up the level of fitness and fortitude to be able to sport these fantastic man melons around town. So if anyone sock stuffs, I will find you, and I will kill you.

A Tribute to the King

In loo of my first blog I feel that there is no better topic of which to speak of as "The King". I am not speaking of Lebron James, nor Arnold Palmer, I am of course speaking about Elvis Presley.  There has been no greater performer, nor person whom has carried them self with as much class as Elvis while influencing the future of music. As music changes as it always has and as it always will, it is often hard for the newest generation to take a step back from what they know to be music and look at the past.  They forget that there was a time in history when a man or woman would take to the microphone and leave their heart and soul on the stage. Elvis Presley did this, Dean Martin did this, Frank Sinatra did this, jumping ahead a few years, Janice Joplin did this, even more years Freddie Mercury did this,  but as I look to what music has become within the past 10 years, the world needs another Elvis.  It needs someone who can innovate, someone who can change music for the better.  As far as music goes I have always lived by the statement, there was nothing, and then there was Elvis, and music has fallen back into nothingness. There has been no substance to the popular music of this generation, being a part of it this sincerely hurts me.  Not to say that there is no good music in today's world but merely to say that the bulk of popularity rests on the shoulders of people more plastic than person.  The art of live entertainment has been watered down into club scenes and flashing lights.  The world today does have exceptional performers as well as musicians and song writers, so if anyone who reads this wants to give a million examples on why this generation is great, power to you.

             For a person to believe that Elvis Presley was perfect is just silly, he had problems and character flaws there is no argument from me on those grounds.  The  true message of Elvis is the following, no one person can be that important and still be the same person as they were when they started.  I would reference any performer/performers who have been on the same level as the king.  I believe that there have been 2 that have rivaled the popularity and influence of Elvis, The Beatles and Michael Jackson(again, if you want to suggest a million others Nirvana, Prince, Bowie, Queen etc...I just don't care because this is my list) .  The Beatles began like most bands, and ended drug infused and spouting off statements that they were bigger than Jesus.  They broke up after only a few years of being together.  Michael Jackson began a cute little kid with high hopes and a drunk father, he ended diddling children and different skin color.  One cannot blame any of these people (ok maybe MJ for all that diddling kids stuff) for what they ended as.  It is merely the cost of fame.  None of these greats didn't have issues.  The truth behind it all is that when there is that big of a spotlight on your life, being a roll model becomes impossible.
            Elvis Presley should not be remembered for the bad times, he should be remembered for what he did for music and what he did for the world. Elvis Presley transcended race, he transcended sex, he was what he needed to be.  Elvis Presley was a soldier, he was a singer, he was an actor, he was a guitar player, Elvis Presley was a King.